A Friday 13th To Remember

So i woke up the other day to my wife trying to pay bills, preparing to do taxes at the last minute etc. I'm a grumpy guy in the morning so i guess i flew off the handle at her difficult time trying to create those stupid "secure" site keys that all online baking sites use. In the past me flying off the handle, getting angry, meant one thing. Succumbing to addiction the night before. This was not the case exactly, it had been a couple days since i last gave in. That didn't matter because a charge showed up on our credit card that was the evidence she knew she would find eventually. You see I have been struggling for 3 years on sobriety, actually, make that my whole life, but these last few years i actually tried to stop. I started having kids, getting caught in the act was not pleasant, i mean that's why an addict acts out, it's supposed to make you feel better, right? Well it doesn't, i need to remind myself that constantly. That's why I'm trying to log everything. I'm trying to get as perfect as humanly possible, but that doesn't come without some supernatural intervening. I hope to finally be completely honest to others, as well as myself, but I've been a liar my whole life. So I'm delving in head first again into a devotional book called "Every Day, For Every Man" it's compiled from the series of books by Steve Arterburn, and the rest, an entry and a thought for each day to help on my way. I also intend to actually realize it's not me on my own, it's up to something higher than myself. That should come in very handy since now I'm alone, in a VERY quiet house, she's left with the kids and i wasn't sure when or if she would ever come back, she said she would but not for weeks. Definitely depressing. Yesterday i spent a lot of money on stuff she probably would have told me to hold off on but i guess i indulged myself in other facets as well, i have a very hard time with my impulses, of course i do, that's what addicts do. Being driven deeper into debt I'm sure, but i convinced myself i needed it, and i still think i do, but i suppose i could have held off until debt was gone, and money was saved up... but this is the mind on an addict, can't even hardly trust myself to make the right call anymore. It's time i could believe and trust in myself.

Here's to sobriety!

-Sh