What Happened?

What happened? Nothing happened... at least that's what my wife reminds me I have done. So i fell off and then back on the sobriety bandwagon. I didn't choose to fight, i got weary in well doing, i stopped being pro-active and fighting the battle and i let the enemy win. It was one part distanced from God, one part not being open COMPLETELY with my wife, which ended up in more distance, which allowed me to pull back away into the old habits. With more counsel, I've re-discovered what some of my habits were and that I need to break them. For me some of my beginnings were trade magazines with scantily clad women all over it. Another is my high-tech phone has a web browser which was just enough to look at in times of temptation. Another is alone time, if my wife ever had to run an errand or leave for an amount of time, even with the kids around I would sequester myself into privacy and act out. I'm cutting all of that out. I don't purchase magazines any longer, and the ones I do, my wife is the arbiter of what is allowed in the house... I mean i can deal. We tried getting rid of my high-tech phone but it was too hard, even for my wife, so we've instead locked down the browser on it to restrict adult sites... Of which I'm not even testing or rolling through in my head to begin testing the blockage, but I'm sure not only does it work but I'm not starting down the slippery slope. In fact I tend to leave my phone somewhere when I am tempted. Lastly and most important of all, I'm not taking advice on saying my wife CAN'T be my accountability partner... and in the past "tries" and times of sobriety IT DIDN'T WORK. It's one of my triggers, i need to be COMPLETELY HONEST AND OPEN WITH MY WIFE! Even a -little- non-sharing it causes me to grow distance between us. She's not asking for gory details, but if I'm struggling I let her know. Her biggest issue with my desire to NOT stay in sin is to CONFESS before being CAUGHT. This is a HUGE issue for her, so I've started re-iterating EVERY-DAY that today was a good day, or NOT. Sharing each victory, and defeat should it happen, rather than WHEN it happens. WHEN it is whispered to happen again, I'll have a song in my heart, which corresponds to a verse. Talk about meditation. Here's to another go. 4th time's the charm!

-Sh

Wise Love

Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up dissention, but love covers over all
wrongs."

Re-A-Verse-ery

Made it through to my re-a-verse-ary for straight sobriety. If you haven't eve made it this far before, it does feel good to be clean. I'm wielding the Sword as often as i have time for, and in general putting things in my life back together. Worship is worshipful again... real again... fun again. I've been to the end of the LIFE workbook which is "Sharing Your Story" so I guess it's time to continue to let the cat out of the bag, and now out of the room, and all the way out of the house, and down the street! Watch out neighbors, there's a cat on the loose!

...Of Lepers and swordsmen

I recently heard the story in Luke about the 10 lepers. The most memorable takeaway is the fact that Jesus rhetorically asks the ONLY one of 10 that came back, what happened to the other 10. After being morphed into a perfectly healed person from some hideous secluding disease to thank the one who healed him just one. I got to reading about leprosy this morning and it's not scientifically proven as to what exactly rhe disease was or if it was a collection of maladies to describe the disease. But what I saw of note is that it may have been a mold spore type of disease that would contaminate everything unless it was reacted upon and treated swiftly and severely:

"...tzaraath initially affected a person's house. If he repented (early), it required only the removal of affected stones (from the foundation or walls); if not, it required tearing down the entire house
(as the tzaraath would not go away). Then (it would spread) onto one's clothes. If he repented (or managed to rid his house of the problem), one only required washing; if not, burning all clothing was required. Then the plagues would come upon a person's body. If he repented, he underwent purification; if not, "he shall dwell alone" -- Leviticus 13:46"

To me this speaks of what I've dealt with my whole life. Unfortunately it wasn't treated sooner and I wasn't shown the way. I was never shown first hand by my parents, let alone the unsaved father, the initial source of my addiction. I think I was only a 2nd hand Son of God, because of my grandma. Over the years only a 2nd hand walk with the lord to grow in, and landed me into more serious consequences and would only culminate in a stalemate between me and God. Guess what, He always wins, but it feels great to lose! ...just realize, you're on *His* side!!! Today I experienced a moment. It was sitting on the floor with all 3 of my little ones beingkids, siblings, laughing and enjoying a moment, just plain old precious normal time... I can't do anything else to them, or their mother, or their father, myself... I've done the lone dweller thing. Despite what one might think, even though you might be "together" with some cyclical monogamy or a full blown harem of digital (albeit actual real hurting women) you can't possibly be one with anyone of them. So even in a home full of 1 or many women, or just another one every few years as you constantly blow it and leaving kids or families in your wake, you surely would "dwell alone." I can't imagine dwelling alone, and some might try and rationalize and say... I'll just find the next person to be with and not be lonely... but are you really? Do you feel alone in the universe, the grand scheme, there's got to be something more. I've found the only way out is through with supernatural assistance. Remeber the old warrior picture? It's taken all these years to realize I didn't have my sword this whole time. I had several, but they sit on the shelf gathering dust. Nothing was ever won by having only a defense. It's time to hone that rusting sword. Time to start getting used to the heft of it so you can start swingin it through some strongholds in the battle.

There's got to be a better way...

I haven't posted in a long while because work and life and schedule keeps me busy...and i HATE that. I just want to be with the wife and kids. I hope things settle down and i can get back to "normal" but I've been in my field for 10+ years and late nights and weekend work is just part of the job description. I need to have time in order to troubleshoot my problems in order to get submissions via email working, once i do, I'd like to catch up and share more when i have time but it's hard to do, i can tend to over-burden or over-commit myself because i love to say yes and not no, we shall see... Here's to nearly 2 months!

-Sh

Standby... Experiencing Technical Difficulties

Sorry i didn't write down anything for a while, i thought i had figured out a way to post to my blog via email... but apparently not. I'll have to rely on the old method of posting on a computer for now.

Well i met with my old accountability group. It's still weird because the're other men facing addictions and desiring God, wanting to be who He wants us to become, but i still feel torn. It's not at my own church, it's people i really only see when i'm there and don't have interaction with them anywhere else. I wish i could plug in with some other guys i know, not necessarily even dealing with the same things i'm dealing with, but just some other dudes to hang out with none the less. Crazy dreams last night, things trying to get their way back into my head, old imagery, but by the grace of God, i will get by!

Here's to day 5...

-Sh

A Friday 13th To Remember

So i woke up the other day to my wife trying to pay bills, preparing to do taxes at the last minute etc. I'm a grumpy guy in the morning so i guess i flew off the handle at her difficult time trying to create those stupid "secure" site keys that all online baking sites use. In the past me flying off the handle, getting angry, meant one thing. Succumbing to addiction the night before. This was not the case exactly, it had been a couple days since i last gave in. That didn't matter because a charge showed up on our credit card that was the evidence she knew she would find eventually. You see I have been struggling for 3 years on sobriety, actually, make that my whole life, but these last few years i actually tried to stop. I started having kids, getting caught in the act was not pleasant, i mean that's why an addict acts out, it's supposed to make you feel better, right? Well it doesn't, i need to remind myself that constantly. That's why I'm trying to log everything. I'm trying to get as perfect as humanly possible, but that doesn't come without some supernatural intervening. I hope to finally be completely honest to others, as well as myself, but I've been a liar my whole life. So I'm delving in head first again into a devotional book called "Every Day, For Every Man" it's compiled from the series of books by Steve Arterburn, and the rest, an entry and a thought for each day to help on my way. I also intend to actually realize it's not me on my own, it's up to something higher than myself. That should come in very handy since now I'm alone, in a VERY quiet house, she's left with the kids and i wasn't sure when or if she would ever come back, she said she would but not for weeks. Definitely depressing. Yesterday i spent a lot of money on stuff she probably would have told me to hold off on but i guess i indulged myself in other facets as well, i have a very hard time with my impulses, of course i do, that's what addicts do. Being driven deeper into debt I'm sure, but i convinced myself i needed it, and i still think i do, but i suppose i could have held off until debt was gone, and money was saved up... but this is the mind on an addict, can't even hardly trust myself to make the right call anymore. It's time i could believe and trust in myself.

Here's to sobriety!

-Sh