What Happened?

What happened? Nothing happened... at least that's what my wife reminds me I have done. So i fell off and then back on the sobriety bandwagon. I didn't choose to fight, i got weary in well doing, i stopped being pro-active and fighting the battle and i let the enemy win. It was one part distanced from God, one part not being open COMPLETELY with my wife, which ended up in more distance, which allowed me to pull back away into the old habits. With more counsel, I've re-discovered what some of my habits were and that I need to break them. For me some of my beginnings were trade magazines with scantily clad women all over it. Another is my high-tech phone has a web browser which was just enough to look at in times of temptation. Another is alone time, if my wife ever had to run an errand or leave for an amount of time, even with the kids around I would sequester myself into privacy and act out. I'm cutting all of that out. I don't purchase magazines any longer, and the ones I do, my wife is the arbiter of what is allowed in the house... I mean i can deal. We tried getting rid of my high-tech phone but it was too hard, even for my wife, so we've instead locked down the browser on it to restrict adult sites... Of which I'm not even testing or rolling through in my head to begin testing the blockage, but I'm sure not only does it work but I'm not starting down the slippery slope. In fact I tend to leave my phone somewhere when I am tempted. Lastly and most important of all, I'm not taking advice on saying my wife CAN'T be my accountability partner... and in the past "tries" and times of sobriety IT DIDN'T WORK. It's one of my triggers, i need to be COMPLETELY HONEST AND OPEN WITH MY WIFE! Even a -little- non-sharing it causes me to grow distance between us. She's not asking for gory details, but if I'm struggling I let her know. Her biggest issue with my desire to NOT stay in sin is to CONFESS before being CAUGHT. This is a HUGE issue for her, so I've started re-iterating EVERY-DAY that today was a good day, or NOT. Sharing each victory, and defeat should it happen, rather than WHEN it happens. WHEN it is whispered to happen again, I'll have a song in my heart, which corresponds to a verse. Talk about meditation. Here's to another go. 4th time's the charm!

-Sh